LIFELINES

Sometimes, you just need to write it down so you can let it go.

Under my desk – again

What am I hiding from?
How do I explain that I am hiding from nothing?
How can I express the need to feel safe?

It feels like a physical weight on my neck and shoulders.  Like I bear a burden that only I can feel.  The weight is gone when I hide.

I feel silly sitting under my desk.  Especially when I cannot fit all the way under.

I am glad my wife is not here – because it would hurt her to see me like this. 

Pride and fear of embarrassment are the reasons I am sitting here typing right now.  I want to be down there – but I force myself not to. 

Man – this sucks.

Writing is supposed to calm me down – but what do I do when I need to calm down before I can write?

Lets try starting this over:

Under my desk – again

I hide from nothing.
In an uncomfortable place.
I listen to the fan on my computer
And I feel rather foolish

But it feels safe under the desk

My wife tries to understand
And I fear my fears may hurt her
So I wear a mask
All the time and everywhere

The mask claims that I am fine
But inside is fear and pain
I smile but cry inside
Where does the mask end and myself begin?

Sometimes I wish
That my mind could be erased
Of the things that cause pain
And let me start fresh

It feels like a weight
On my shoulders and neck
A burden I bear
That I wish I could drop

The weight went away
When I was under my desk
And now it is back
Sometimes – life sucks

It really feels silly
To be under the desk
But it is somehow calmer
To hide

Colin Campbell
1SG (ret)