VOICES

Holidays With An “E”

We are occupied with too many things. All of us are, even children from disadvantaged families in impoverished neighborhoods. I know, because I have spoken with groups of kids all across the country. It is amazing how many wear the latest athletic shoes, sport designer clothing, and carry cell phones, iPods and other slick gear. I have to wonder whether it’s parents’ compensation for absence in their children’s lives, guilt, competition, the need to be their kids’ best friends, or something deeper that drives them to indulge their families with so much “stuff.” Yes, Christmas, Hannukah, and Quanza are about giving; but, people appear confused about exactly how it is that we are meant to share. Here’s a clue: It is NOT through trading material gifts. Rather, it involves opening up emotionally and expressing feelings about what’s going on within us and events around us. In a word, we are meant to share the spirit of love. There are lots of ways to experience the holidays together and many, like experience, begin and end with “E.”

To start, it’s a good idea to examine the way your family communicates. Evaluate patterns of dialogue between family members. Are they constructive? Do they set a tone of kindness and support? Sit down together and agree to excuse others’ mistakes, eliminate harsh words, criticism, sarcasm, and other negativity, at least for the next few weeks. Who knows? You might develop some positive patterns that will extend beyond the holidays. Make it a practice to compliment, and thereby encourage, two members of the family and at least one stranger every day. Experience has taught me that these little techniques work very well. Here’s a little secret. I’ve been seeing a psychologist all my life. Actually, I can’t avoid her. She’s my mother, and I must admit-she dispenses good advice.

Look around you for ways in which you can enhance your home, inside and outside. Are there any jobs which you or other members of the family have been putting off? Why not set aside a few hours to complete just one task together? If your own home is up to date, consider lending a hand to elderly neighbors. Put together a little basket of home baked goodies, enclose a note with warm wishes, and as a family pay your neighbors a visit. Offer to help put up decorations around their home, in the yard or along the gate. Surely this will excite them and elevate the holiday spirit of the entire neighborhood.

When is the last time your family took a few hours to exercise together? Now would be a good time, inasmuch as most of us put on at least a pound or two over Thanksgiving. In cities across America, families get together at holiday time to erect fantastic displays throughout one or more blocks of a particular neighborhood. They create festivals of light, drawing visitors from miles away. Go on line to find out where such neighborhoods might be close to you. Dress warmly with hats and gloves, drive out to a location, park the car and take a long walk together through the streets to enjoy and enthuse over the spectacle of holiday illumination on a grand scale.

When you are ready for some larger-than-life fun, here’s a great game the whole family can play together. It’s all about indulging your fantasies. Pick the largest shopping mall in your area, preferably one with large department stores and at least a few pricey boutiques. Together make out one holiday shopping list of 10 to 15 extravagant items. Be specific; enumerate items like “evening gown”, “man’s watch”, “crystal vase”, “diamond necklace”, etc. with two spaces next to each item, one for price and one for store name. Each person then pretends to be his or her favorite wealthy celebrity, and with a copy of the list sets out into the mall to “spend” as much money as possible within an established time limit. The idea is to find one sample of every item, each with the highest possible price tag, all from different stores. Rather than buying, check off each item you find, indicate the price and the name of the store in which it is displayed. Go ahead, be outrageous! Ease into the life of celebrity with an imaginary fortune to spend in a single afternoon. Your family will have great fun shopping, yet it won’t cost you anything except a prize for the winner, and that could be a privilege rather than a gift. For example, when I win, I demand an hour of “slave” time from all the losers!

Another way to enter the realm of fantasy is through books. A magical place to explore during the holidays is the public library. Many people think of it only as a place to study and educate themselves, but the library is more than a cloister. It may variously be a hide-away to which we escape, a theater in which we enlarge our imagination, or a retreat where we can relax and reflect. Some say the internet eventually will replace libraries. I don’t think so. There is something warm and cozy about a room full of books that computer screens will never supplant. Most libraries have private rooms available where small groups can hold discussions. When you arrive at the library, ask to reserve a room. After a few hours of independent browsing and reading, family members can meet in the room to talk about their discoveries and exchange ideas. Before leaving the library, write a little holiday greeting from a Christmas character, date it, and pin it up on the bulletin board in the lobby. Last year I wrote,

Dear Children,

Don’t forget to leave carrots for the reindeer and cookies for me on Christmas Eve.

Love, Santa

______________________________________________________

The next day I returned to find a note beside mine.

Hi Kids,

Skip the cookies. Santa needs to lose weight. Just double up on the carrots and we’ll share.

Love, Rudolph

It’s fun to be silly once in a while, especially during the holidays!

Books provide a way for us to connect with the world as well as one another. We can learn much about the people we love by listening to them describe something they have read. It is good also to listen to what is in their hearts. One of the best movies ever made is “Sound Of Music,” with Julie Andrews singing “My Favorite Things.” Out of that song evolved our family game, “Favorites and Fantasies.” You might want to spend an evening at home playing it with your family. To ensure the right atmosphere, gather everyone around the coffee table, set out a dozen or so scented holiday candles, snuggle up with a few blankets, turn down the lights, then sit back and get comfortable. If there’s a fireplace in the room, throw on some wood. Ask everyone how well they think they know themselves and other members of the family. Emphasize that for the game to be fun, everyone must be honest about themselves. They will be asked to estimate characteristics and qualities of other members of the family, and to embrace the ideas that others have about them with lighthearted good humor. This game will test the family’s abilities to empathize with one another as well as enable each person to view themselves the way others see them. Start out by asking a question like, “What is your favorite color?” Each person then guesses what every other person’s favorite color is. When everyone has guessed about one person, that person reveals his or her favorite color. Each person who guessed correctly earns one point. Then everyone guesses the next person’s favorite color, and so on. The list of favorites is almost endless including things like favorite food, music, movie, toy, book, etc. Next each person thinks of his or her fantasies as you ask questions like, “Where would you most like to go on vacation?” “If you could meet any person in history, who would that be?” “If you could repeat any moment of your life, what would that be?” or, “If you could live anywhere in the world, where would that be?” Again, one point is given for each correct guess about every family member. Prepare to be surprised as you learn new things about every member of your family. You might also be surprised by how much or how little others know about you.

The holiday season is about experiencing and sharing. Joy does not come in a box. We cannot buy love, we can only share it. These activities and games are but a few of the ways you can bring your family closer together this holiday season. The list of possible fun things to do is endless. All it takes is a little imagination and creativity. What are you waiting for? We’ve covered holidays with an “E.” There are 25 more letters in the alphabet!

by  Matthew Cook

© December 4,2006